“Twitter made me a lesbian”
Funny, right?
Um, no.
The only one ‘thing’ that can make you a lesbian is you. Lesbians are not born, they are made. Just like women. Women -thanks to the social constructs of gender – are made, not born. (Females are born though).
In breaking down my own internalized heteropatriarchal ideas I’ve come to vehemently understand how crippling and all pervasive gender and sexuality are.
My first sexual experiences were with girls. One with an older neighbour girl (I was 8, she was 10) and another with my best friend (I was 10 she was 11). I got immense enjoyment from these childhood experiences. Yet both were tinged by shame. They were my darkest secret. That and the fact that I masturbated.
How does the enjoyment of our bodies become a source of shame? Heteropatriarchal norms.
I rejected these early experiences and went on to embrace heterosexuality. For a period in my 30s my internalized heteropatriarchy led me to quite the lifestyle. Basically, I found ‘liberation’ servicing cocks. Quite a few of them. It was a drug of choice taken regularly. I remember talking with one girlfriend about how empowering sucking cock was. And I really really believed that at the time.
And now, after a few years of no servicing cock and a radicalization of my feminism I am left contemplating my early experiences as well as the times in adulthood I’ve been hit with a sexual attraction towards a woman. I remember one illicit downtown club that I used to attend that had a female bartender that I swooned over. She was drop dead gorgeous and had a sparkle in her eye that really caught my fancy. I even acknowledged to my friends that I had a thing for her and we all laughed since I was obviously enjoying servicing the cock I was getting regularly at that club.
Coming out as a lesbian was something that was basically unheard of in my childhood. So when my sister did, in her early 20s, it was radical – but becoming less so (this was the early 90s). And by then I was fully ensconced in servicing cock in a brief abusive marriage.
And I fully bought into the born this way narrative despite the occasional attraction to women. I even tried to discuss these attractions with my lesbian sister who laughed at me and said I was screamingly het. Both of us were extremely caught up in the ‘born this way’ narrative – so I continued servicing random meaningless cock. I cringe now when I remember the times I told people that there were lots of signs that my sister was a lesbian as a child – conveniently erasing my own reality of the sexual experimentation I also had with girls.
The beauty of an anonymous blog is that I get to put these thoughts out here. Will I ‘come out’ as a lesbian? I think that is the direction I am moving towards. I think I’ll go set up a new dating profile. And choose women.